#68: Restless

05/20

I have been thinking lately. Why did Darek make me a Tumblr, then, just as Tumblr was going downhill, create a Google blog for me? Why make a Twitter? Why post Ben's videos on YouTube? To make me more aware of how alone I am. He's mocking me. Look at all the people viewing Ben's videos and meanwhile not one comment on my blog. No response. No help. No questions. No concern. It's like there's not even a reason for Ben to record his mental tailspin or me to document my self-medication and lunatic perception distortions. I am a writer. Do you know what it takes to be a writer? Embellishment. Dramatization. Generalization. Express the events on paper just as I remember them. If the details get fuzzy, fill in the blanks. It's really that simple. I know I've given an inaccurate report time and time again. This is my plight; my memories are at Darek's mercy. Yet he permitted me to remember 2016 as it actually happened. Yet he continues to impose upon me the desire to document. Yet he has provided me a platform to express myself when there has been no audience, no relationship with others outside of this game. I'm a freak in a glass cage and people are too scared to poke me because everyone close to me seems to die. That's the gist of it right? That's what you want me to conclude Darek? That you use social media to isolate us further, to twist our communication and break us down so you can do your little experiments? I'm so alone. To the one person that shared my tweet, thanks. Draw in more of the masses to stare as everything falls apart. You're doing what they want. You're sitting there and observing

05/21/19

UPDATE: I found something interesting today. Tacking this onto the already present incomplete stream of consciousness that was going to be tonight's entry. Rob messaged me out of the blue with a file labeled “MADRIK.prg” and I tried messing with it but it wouldn't open. Shortly after he sent a second file called “Alice 1 and 2.prg” but it also wouldn't open. Curious. He said "Hello Mathew" as well implying he knows I'm watching Ali's messenger.

I will try to upload the files to Twitter or another media sharing site so anyone who reads this can interact with them. I don't know if this is a lead but it's something and that's better than nothing.