#54: Angel Wings and Fire Swords

01/23/19

Let me just say that this has become weirdly numb, living this life I know isn't truly mine. I think all the time about Darek and what the nature of this reality is. I just don't feel like any of the proposed possible truths fully encapsulates the bizarre nature of this experience. So I just keep recording things and reviewing old data, trying to work out what is being shown to me and why. I'm filling up spare notebooks and scribbling theories in between the lines. It kind of feels like my life has become an ARG or something; it is like I am an outside observer at this point. It's so surreal; I can't do anything but divorce myself from my feelings and march forward with the investigation. The investigation is all that's really left.

I analyzed the video posted to Ben's YouTube after I posted entry 53. The base video is Ben talking about how he has no clue who Veronika West is; he doesn't remember any of what he discovered before I went through the doorway. With the forbidden knowledge I have I can only assume that Lucinda is accessing the Veronika West account through Ben or possibly another individual linked to the Outer Layer. I am unsure if she is being used as an agent of Chameleon or not. I'll go more in depth on my theories about these individual entities in the next entry.

Ben also mentions Mammoth's suicide. What does this mean for the rest of the events recorded in the earlier entries? Mammoth did prominently feature in some of the entries and I recall him being a player in Ben's videos at certain points. However I can not see removing him doing anything except erasing an added element to the story which does not alter the core function. I do not think this happened through my own efforts, but it is at least a sign that the course of events can be altered.

One major influence the death of Mammoth has had is that it has caused Ben to give up drinking and smoking. This explains why he hasn't been around as often, I suppose. Perhaps his attitude towards me relates to his struggle to stay clean. After all, the addictions are merely a symptom of a much deeper disease of the soul. He might be struggling to restrain Mark out of sheer will power now rather than with the aid of numbing agents that inebriate the body and diminish the effectiveness of a third party occupying it. I had been putting off confronting him about the things going on because I thought he was unhappy with me. If it is just a matter of him dealing with his personal issues, maybe I should speak with him.

On that subject, I'll shift over to the more interesting part of the video, the black and white footage of the bridge featuring Mark's stylistic signature. Here is my best transcription of the message.

“As I awake, I have no memory of what brought us here. Why do I exist? A thousand times I've [?fell???] to run straight through all our tormentors but until that time, I will fight this bloody war with every strangled breath[?]. Cause beyond every bend I could be just like you. It's the worst kind of pain I've known.”

Okay. So when Mark says “just like you” we see footage of Mammoth. I always did say he and ADDICT were basically indistinguishable, just one mess of crazy, except ADDICT had less restraint; he was basically Mammoth if we lived in anarchy. Given this, perhaps Mark is saying that the corrupting force of ADDICT turned the entirety of Mammoth into a mess and Mark wishes to avoid the same fate. He will keep fighting just to prevent that fate. I would assume “all our tormentors” refers to Chameleon, so that means Chameleon is responsible for what happened to Mammoth. Not only that, the last line “it's the worst kind of pain I've known” implies Mark was there at some point in the repeated history. Perhaps the death of ADDICT has given Ben freedom from addiction that caused Mark to fall along the same path Mammoth did? It's speculation at best there.

I feel like I'm not really seeing the full scope of what is happening from this side of the doorway. Chameleon is clearly making a power play with how things are changing. I will go into more details on my next move within the next week or so. I am considering some moves of my own and I am already seeing that fate may not be changed so simply. Here's the final entry from beyond the doorway...

??/??/??

So imagine after going through that whole emotional roller coaster, seeing the ethereal form of your ex who was erased from history, you end up face to face with someone who masqueraded as your dead first love. My heart was having none of this. The sun blared down and the trees seemed to bend away from the force of my quiet, tense rage. I wanted to leap out and throttle her to be perfectly honest.

I didn't want to understand why she did what she did, why she decided to lie to me and give me false hope even knowing that I would figure out the truth. She was my creation, though. She represented an aspect of me that perhaps I instinctively did not want to acknowledge. Perhaps this fury was more than just some sense of dishonor upon Alice's name. So I did not assault her immediately. I gave her a chance to explain herself.

“You know I've had a hell of a day so far.” I said, keeping my cool. “I bludgeoned Ben to death, I shared some bonding time with Anna who told me all about the guilt you encouraged in her, I entered a transdimensional lake and spoke to the shadow of someone I never thought I would see again. I am in no mood to deal with your manipulative bullshit, Gwen.”

Her smile did not reflect the atmosphere. That tension was more than a literary device; the gravity seemed to be weighing down on me. Every movement required gargantuan effort. She however seemed to move with all the grace of the angel she pretended to be.

“Look, okay? You're right. I'm not going to deny it. Give me a chance to defend myself, though.”

“Hell, no!” I shouted, trying to back up as she drew closer. The trees seemed to distort around us, tilting at an angle and elongating themselves. “I know people like you.” Grant’s name ran through my head and the entire world around me flashed into a negative of itself. The sky became crimson. The grass and trees darkened to blacks and blues. Gwen for a moment was nothing more than a venomous shadow from my past. As quickly as it came it went and I followed through with my warning uninterrupted. “If I let you explain yourself to me I'll get a bunch of fluffed up half truths that seem convincing enough to let you twist everything around again! I don't even want to hear it because I know you're full of nothing but sugar and bullshit.”

She did not lose her composure even as I laid into her, but that smile felt more and more forced as her eyes narrowed against my tirade. “Again I will not deny you your view of me, but have you considered to whom you are speaking?” Her wings spread out behind her for dramatic flair. “I came from you. I am a part of you. I am the part of you that knows you are better than what you play at. How many times have you hidden behind your weakness and treated your insecurity and ineptness as a barrier to responsibility and accountability? All those things that make me so disgusting to you are things you bequeathed to me, Mathew.”

Her wings returned to her back, folded neatly, and her face took on a more stern expression. “You need to think more critically about things if you have any hope of surviving the storm to come. Anna and I are both creations of your subconscious mind, parts of you that were cut away from the cloth. My theory? You based us on your past relationships. Anna, well, you went in the lake. You can guess who she was born from.”

I couldn't even manage to cut her off. She was hitting me hard and fast with such powerful revelations. As she spoke this strange energy gathered around. The environment didn't change in any clear way but the atmosphere might have been tangible if I had reached out and interacted with it. I couldn't though. My limbs felt heavy and my body was frozen in space as my mind raced a mile a minute to interpret what she was telling me. There was no obvious deceptions I could detect in her speech. Then again, I did not know enough about her state of being to know how honest she was being. If Anna was a product of my relationship with Casey, she was a result of my relationship with…

“Oh that's right. Alica. Your dear friend Ali who you have a totally platonic relationship with right? Your entire history is centered around manipulation. When you dated she basically held you emotionally hostage. After you reconnected you confessed to her that you were using her to satiate your lust for Casey. In fact…” she smiled with a knowing wink. “I think that was all she ever was to you.”

“No!” I screamed. “That's a lie! I will not permit you to fill my mind with such things! Ali is my friend! I love her!” Something was awake in me. Again, the environment did not waver but the atmosphere shifted, great anxious and tense. The best explanation of the sensation within me would be an eye peering into my soul from elsewhere, an eye engulfed in flame. “Go ahead and keep talking, Gwen, but you're on thin ice.” I growled. “Don't think you can trick me into betraying my own feelings. I confess that my relationship with Ali had it's manipulative subtexts. I was young and foolish and I just needed somebody to be beside me as I wrestled with my demons.” I took a step forward, my stance reflecting my authority. This was my realm, damn it! This winged pretender would not get the best of me within it. “But she knew this and she chose to allow me into her heart! In doing that a bond formed that transcends romance and traditional relationships. And that bond is real and it has withstood the test of time.”

“Has it really?” I started to respond but she waved a hand. “I retract that statement. Let me get to my point. Do you want to know why I masqueraded as Alice for you? Your relationship with that girl was manipulative, yes, but it had the best of intentions. You never used her to hurt her. You gave her everything you could give because she wanted all you had. It was a mutually understood manipulation, and that's where my motivation stems from. Hear me out.”

She stepped back and waved her hands out with a flourish. “Alice Rachelle Langdon is not an individual, she is a concept. She represents perfect love and peace which you have been seeking your entire life. She is a reprieve from the battles of the world. She is happiness beyond measure. All of these ideas stem from a central concept, an underlying pattern, which Alice embodied for you. And as she does this for you others have their own representative in their mental universe, such as how Casey has, well, once had Alyson, who represented simple satisfaction. Usually with food.”

I remembered how Lucinda had referred to the patterns as repeating between us all. I wondered if everyone in the world had similar conceptual entities within them.

“So if Alice is a concept and not an individual, I figured I could become that concept for you. If I pretended to be Alice I could come to be transformed by your perceptions and fill the role that you needed.” She looked to me with something like longing. She stepped forward and caressed my cheek. “Do you not agree that we can change from our past? We can become something new and in doing so fulfill a greater purpose than what would be thrust upon us from birth.” Her face was inches from mine now. I was paralyzed. Was she...going to kiss me? “If Alice is your perfect love, stop trying to recreate the past and let's make a new future. What do you say…?”

As her mouth moved toward mine and her eyes closed there was a strange sensation in my gut. That fiery presence burst forth from within me, heating my entire body from my core outward with electric energy. Unconsciously, I seemed to generate a force field that knocked Gwen backwards and away from me. Her wings spread to steady her as she flew backward, preventing her from falling or crashing into a lot trees.

As this happened, a figure draped in shadows sprang forth from behind me. Long, flowing hair of royal purple with red tips caught my eye immediately. In her hand was an object in the shape of a blade. At first I thought it was on fire, but I came to understand that it was fire.

“You bitch!” The voice seemed so familiar to me and I couldn't quite place its the atmosphere transformed yet again. It wasn't just the air around me though. It was the energy swirling through this entire realm. As if it had been run through a photo filter, the environment dimmed and acquired an unsettling red-orange tinge to it. The tree bark became more like amber. The sky seemed as though it were sunset. The sun itself significantly darkened to an aggressive shade of orange overhead. And all around us the shadows gained prominence in my vision. The world around me stayed the same; it just seemed as if a strange film had fallen over my eyes.

Speaking of the shadows, Gwen darted backwards, wings propelling her through the forest, and she seemed to melt into them. The other woman moved to follow her, the tingling familiarity tickled my hippocampus once more.

“Not only are you a bitch, you're a fucking coward!!” She screamed shrilly. I couldn't place it then. The voice was so familiar yet not obvious enough at the time for me to place it. I've reflected on it since then and figured it out, but for the sake of the narrative I'll discuss that more fully in the next entry.

“What is going on?” I asked, finally finding enough strength in my legs to amble forward where Gwen had disappeared to. Overhead, I saw that the sun was being consumed by the dark cloud. Oddly enough however it did not seem keen on approaching the girl with the flaming sword.

She turned to face me and I finally got a good look at her. She wore thick-framed eyeglasses that did not detract from the beauty of her face. Her full lips were curled into a wistful smile that projected an aura of confidence and control. She had a dimple on her left cheek and feline green eyes. She was wearing a green sweater and ripped jeans, but I only vaguely recall her attire in the heat of the moment. Her eyes, her expression, her aura captivated me. I knew this person. I had met her before somewhere, in some form, and it was driving me crazy. Something else worth noting was that Gwen projected power and control with her words, this false confident facade erected to fool onlookers. This girl must have had confidence and power pumping through her fucking veins because she didn't even need to say a word for me to feel humbled and protected by her presence.

“Who are you?” I asked. She giggled.

“You don't know?” She put on an exaggerated pouty face. “I'm hurt.” Then she laughed again. “You'll figure it out on your own, sweetheart.” And she stepped close to me. “I missed you.” She leaned in and presses her lips to my forehead. “But you need to go back now. I'll make sure Darek has everything ready when you wake up again.”

She pulled back from the kiss to smile at me and, despite the chaotic tint to the world, despite the dark cloud lurking overhead having now blocking out the entirety of the sky, despite the chaotic whirlwind my emotions had been subjected to over the past few minutes as my body stood paralyzed in thought, I felt an unstoppable peace roll over me with her gaze.

Then the lightheadedness kicked in. The world started spinning. Not sure if my perception or it's reaction caused that. Regardless, a gray nothingness fell over me, heavy and unbreakable, and all was darkness as I fell into a hypnotic slumber.

#53: Lucy in the Sky

01/10/19

Sorry it has been so long between updates. One of the reasons was the content of this entry being vital to my records. A lot was revealed through the meetings and discussions inside the lake that I wanted to try and capture accurately. Tangentially I want to apologize if my writing seems to be subpar. Reading back it feels like there's more exposition dump than characterization; through all of this insanity I am an avid writer and I do know that my craft has certain expectations to storytelling. Sometimes I feel this...energy around me when I write about events and it's like I'm reliving them. I can feel Anna assisting me from the other side and it comes out well. Other times I just need to make sure I express the information that was given to me even if it's done in a clunky and stilted manner.

Another factor of my hiatus is Ben. His YouTube has been active once again. I guess Mammoth committed suicide recently. This tragic event is, for me at least, oddly fortuitous as it suggests that changes in the timeline are occurring. But it's not Mammoth that distracted me from posting. It's Casey.

He referred to her Facebook account Veronika West, one of the names she went by among our friend group often, and he acted like he had never heard of her before. I could dismiss this as being a quirk of the situation I find myself in. Maybe certain events play out differently and Ben never met Casey. But no, she just doesn't exist. There is no trace of her on any social media platform. Her phone number connects me to a fucking Chinese restaurant. Jake Ramsay's DeviantArt account has been deactivated. I went by Jake's house and do you know what? IT ISN'T EVEN THERE ANYMORE!! THERE IS LITERALLY A WAREHOUSE WHERE JAKE RAMSAY USED TO LIVE! CASEY DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE!! JAKE DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE! IT IS LIKE THERE IS VACANT SPOT WHERE THEY USED TO BE!! AND I'M FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!!

I asked Ali if she remembered Casey West. She looked at me with this dumb smile as if expecting a joke and shook her head. “Was she someone from school?” I sighed and dropped the issue. I just told her “Never mind. You're my best friend, Ali. Please never leave me.” She promised she wouldn't. I'm starting to feel like she's all I'll have left when this erupts. Ben has been treating me very indifferently lately. He's usually distant from time to time but he's been really cold ever since I lost my job. I don't want our friendship to end like it did last time; I don't know how to actively talk top Ben and avoid the schism.

I've been spending time with Ali and Rob often, smoking and joking and trying to enjoy myself. It is so strange how naturally it comes. I fully expected the facade to fall apart and them to notice something fishy was up. But I guess Darek or whoever doesn't want me messing everything up for him. So this casual confidence comes over me around my friends like an old coat that still fits nicely. It's fine for now. I'm still sorting through my options with Ben and Ali. I feel like, based on everything I know, they are different from my family. I can't quite explain it but the fact that they also have Figments in the Outer Layer implies that they're variables in the system that can be affected directly. They might not just ignore me if I make any off comments.

That seems like a good next step to consider, honestly. If I can work up the nerve I might try to confront one or both of them and see how they respond. I might be able to affect the timeline in that manner. Anyway let me continue with the story from beyond the doorway. I'll analyze this video more intently once I've got a more level head for the next entry.



 ??/??/??

I did not experience the sensation of falling. It was more like the surroundings lifted themselves up around me and I stood still. I was frozen. The surroundings rushed past me so quickly. My senses couldn't keep up as the shock of the sudden shift threw everything off-balance. This dizzy spinning pale white surrounded me by the time my brain caught up to my eyes. Everything felt distorted. It was so similar to the sensation suggested in entry 43, except there was a serenity to it all. The numb soothed my worries and pains rather than snuffed out my hopes and peace. This was different as much as it was similar.

Finally, the sensations washing over my body subsided and I felt I had faculty of myself again. I flexed my fingers to confirm and held my hand to my face. When I took a step forward, my foot caught in a tuft of sand. I looked down. That mist from the surface of the lake seemed thinner but remained present with no visible stopping point. I stood on a small island in the middle of a pool of water that surrounded me on all sides. As far as I could see the layer of water was nothing more than a thin puddle; it would not even wet the top of my feet. I glanced around. The expanse felt vast. This was a large open space but the fog floating around invited an oxymoronic sense of compact, comfortable smallness. It was almost as if I was inside of a large entity, a deity swaddling me in it's comforting but unfathomably massive presence.

“Hello?” I called out tentatively. Though my voice echoed into the distance, the fog seemed to swallow the sound up. I sighed, and it possessed the same paradoxical diminishing echo quality. I took a couple steps forward, my feet sinking into the thin layer of water all around the little sand bar. 

“Mathew.” I glanced to the side I heard the noise from but saw nothing.

“Anna?” I called out in response. Nobody answered.

I could not comprehend the attribute of the space my voice was travelling through. As I moved away from the little island it seemed like I was becoming increasingly boxed into a smaller and smaller space. Sounds and sensations reached me from no more than ten feet and shrinking as I stepped out of sight of the landmass. The fog obscured my vision to greater and greater degrees. Despite this, there remained an uncanny valley of distortion between the distance and quality of the sound. It felt like I was screaming out over the grand canyon. Even though there was only a small space in which the sound moved it behaved as if it were reverberating through a great open expanse.

“Over here!” This voice seemed to come from everywhere at once and it did not resemble Anna at all.

I felt a shudder course through me as a memory returned to the front of my mind. I was in Jake's car and Ben was confronting me about kissing Casey. She was laughing in the front seat only it wasn't her. It was someone else. That laugh, that voice, echoed out all around me and made me feel so insignificant.

I moved forward. The level of the water never changed but the surroundings became vaguer and duller as I moved ahead. Soon it was only me, the mist, and a small five foot square of water making up my reality.

 “This place is not a prison but a reprieve.” That voice said again. It didn't sound like Casey but it made me think of her. I kept my eyes glued to the fog surrounding me. It seemed to be thinning out as I moved forward. The water sloshed against the side of my shoes; it rippled outward into the great unknown. This place felt alive, as if it were breathing in sync with my footsteps.

The mist became less thick and obfuscating at last and I saw a strange sight ahead. It was some sort of pile of debris, a strange silhouette of rubble visible through the mist.

 “Kindness,” that voice repeated. “Camaraderie.” I could see now that the pile of debris was comprised mostly of stone, large slabs in piles of shattered chunks and other refuse. “Trust.” These words seemed to wash over my soul in shuddering waves of power. They were more than the words themselves. They meant something greater.

 “Love.” There atop the ruin stood a lone female figure. Her dress was jet black and blended into the shadows beneath her seamlessly. She was slender with wide hips and pale skin. The dress was low-cut revealing more of her figure. Her face… seeing it I felt a flash of memory strike at my mind. It was Casey. From the freckles to the lipstick to the expression in her eyes. It didn't look like her--the woman above me had long dark hair with a streak of violent red through it. Her eyes were dark brown and her teeth were pointed like a vampire's fangs. She was taller than Casey was with pale, immaculate skin and her body's shape differed in places, but the way she carried herself and the glint in her eyes was so reminiscent of Casey it shook me to my core.

“Who.. who are…?”

“Who am I?” She smiled at me like a predator smiles at cornered prey. I blinked and she was before me. Now the link was overwhelming. I felt like Casey was right in front of of me. “You know me. I'm the agony that knew you all along.”

She smiled this condescending smile, like she felt so sorry for me, and caressed my cheek with long fingernails painted the same blood red in her hair.

“We all start off as one. Then we dissociate and become two.” Her hands, clasped together, spread apart and, as they did, her voice echoed from behind me as well as before me. “Two becomes three. You know the angel and the devil, then you realize you are between.” She leaned forward and flickered out of existence. One second she was there, solid, right before me, and the next her voice was everywhere and she was nowhere. “Just like colors there are an infinite quantity of voices buried within. Do you still hold to the delusion that you are above the madness? Or do you know how powerless you are?” From behind me, the girl caressed my cheek. I couldn't move. My mind was racing trying to understand all of this. Was this Casey's Darek?

“Most people will go their lifetime under the delusion they have control. That's what I so admired about Ben. He was blind. He thought he had power. You at least have the fortune of being aware of the truth that you live against the whims of the ones who permit you form.” She seemed to melt into my body from behind me. I felt a tense chill run through my core that tensed every muscle in my body. “But I despise that quality in you.” Her voice echoed from atop the crumbled monument. She scowled from the shadows.

“Okay fine!” I finally found the courage to shout. “You despise my weakness, but you're here before me anyway! Why? Are you Veronika? You always did like Ben so much more anyway, didn't you.”

“I have many names.” She said, and the tone of her voice hushed me instantly. “Veronika is the name she gave me. Veronika was a mask she wore, a fanciful illusion she projected to convince herself she wasn't like me. You see, the sickness corroded her and dug much deeper than it did in you.” A soft chuckle. “When she existed. I would prefer to be called Lucinda.”

She appeared before me once more, arms outstretched, eyes a haunting recreation of memories flooding back, memories I thought had been stolen from me but had never truly been lost. Green. Casey's eyes were green. “And yes, I did like Ben better, as one prefers their pet to a wild animal who is unpredictable.” She watched me now with a blank gaze that belied nothing.

“So, where was I?” As she moved forward her body seemed to flicker and distort momentarily as if lagging before my eyes. “Ah, yes, the patterns. Just like how you have Anna and Gwen and Alice, she had myself, Veronika, and Alyson. Alyson was like Alice. She was the pure one, but she stopped existing after a period and I became the dominant one.” She watched my expression as I absorbed all this. Her face was curious, playful even, but it had me on edge. One of her arms was crossed over her chest. The other elbow rested on that arm and extended to where she stroked her chin pensively. “You notice how I didn't mention Darek? Are you starting to understand that he is not your creation? In fact, you could say that he created you.” I gulped and nodded. That didn't make sense to me, truly. He was a voice inside my head! How could he have created me? But perhaps it was a matter of perspective, and, regardless, I needed to hear more.

“What you are doing has never been a question for you. You live at the whims of the world around you, victim of everything and master of nothing. So do not bore me with such questions as what do I want with you.” She stepped back and flickered to the base of the tower. Her voice echoed farther as the speech continued. “This place is old, older than myself, older than Anna, older even than your Alice. This is the lake, and this is Zanark's domain. You remember the poem you discovered?” It had been a while since I had read entry 20, but its unique format stood out still in my mind.

“It was written by my hand in a different lifetime. The four guardians of the heart against darkness, represented by four towers, well... you see one before you.” Her laughter echoed all around me as she faded from sight. The laugh had a hollow sorrowful quality to it. “It's interesting; the names and faces change but the underlying pattern repeats. You and Ali and Ben and Casey were part of the unity of four. And the one to play the role of Alice is, ironically enough, myself.” From the swirling mist she appeared, sitting hunched over and apparently in misery. “The one who longed for death found that it was not all she ever wanted.” She looked up at me over her shoulder with eyes full of sadness, but then flashed me a wicked smile before fading back into the fog.

“The tower of love has fallen. My domicile crumbles under the weight of the damage done by Chameleon.”

“But you said this is Zanark's domain.” I said. “Is he here? How did Chameleon get in to do this?” 

“Oh no, Zanark is not present in this location. He IS this location. It's a part of his soul which manifests here on this plane.” Lucinda appeared beside me staring up at the tower. “He and Chameleon battle on levels that we can not comprehend. Though they do not exist in ways we can perceive, their effects on our world are all too visible. Just know that they are a small piece of a greater war waged where eyes can not see. And you are just a piece of that piece, a fraction of a fraction. How does that make you feel?”

 I had other things on my mind. This information was pertinent and I was holding it close to me but I could not process it quickly enough to fully grasp it in that moment. There was another matter that weighed on me heavily and I needed to express it while I could. “Enough of that.” I said rather urgently. “You’re the manifestation of Casey West's subconscious. You know her better than anyone. I know you despise me, but... Please. Tell me. How did she really feel about me?” I looked to her with sincere and heartfelt desperation. This was my last chance to find out the truth and I needed an answer badly.

Lucinda smiled a sagely smile as if she knew I would ask and had in a million different encounters. A vision danced into my head of myself asking her to reveal this info and her gleefully refusing me my request. This was the essence of our relationship. This time however, she would answer me. “How did Casey West really feel about me.” “She loved you.” A warmth spread through my body at those words, but her sly smile stole it from me. “She loved all of you, though. You had so much in common as you shared this mutual sickness. Her feelings never stretched beyond… friendly compassion. And pity.” A dissonant vibration in my selfish heart stung my chest, but I accepted that response stoically. “For you or anyone else.” Poor Ben, I guess. Actually, poor Jake.

“Why do you care so deeply though?” The tips of her finger traced down my chest as she stood before me biting her lower lip seductively. “Little boy, you knew the chaos that existed beneath her skin yet you walk willingly into my web. Why does her opinion of you matter so much?”

“I don't know.” I confessed.

She smiled and laughed gleefully. “And that is the most honest thing you've said to me thus far!” She leaned in to kiss my lips. I recoiled in my confusion but her body again melted into mine and chilled me to the core. I stared around to find her again but she was nowhere.

“I know that I would do it again and again.” I called out to the misty expanse. “It is who I am.”

 “I remember.” Her voice echoed from the left of me. I turned and she seemed to be starting off into the sky with a blank expression. “I remember how to not forget. In the little pockets of preservation I become the manifest past and can influence the present to move it toward the future. We are an incarnation of history, living data, and our very existence invites the corruption that we seek to destroy. Remember that we are not the disease; we simply carry it.” That phrase triggered a memory, something that stuck out in one of Ben's videos, but before I could open my mouth to speak she continued talking and cut me off.

“Your reprieve ends, poor little lost boy.” Her voice echoed from somewhere far above everything. It was strange, seeing her staring up at the sky slack-jawed like a puppet while her voice boomed down upon her. “Go back to your own world. But before that I will grant you this. She did see one special trait in you that holds true. You speak with wisdom and you speak in truth, understanding things most others overlook. This gift is the reason your written communication bears fruit. Never forget this unique talent you possess.”

The fog thickened at an alarming intensity. I felt that claustrophobic terror that had accompanied the Dark Cloud and I gasped for breath, finding nothing. My vision became entirely obscured by the wispy nothingness. I couldn't breathe. I clawed at my face but found myself moving through molasses. I was dying. This was the end of me.

Then the fog faded into the corner of my eyes. I screamed and gasped and choked, falling to my knees. I was back in the woods. The sky was cloudy but the dark cloud was nowhere to be seen. Neither was the lake.

“Welcome back.”

I looked up and saw a figure step out from between the trees. I didn't recognize the voice but I recognized the earthy green dress, deep blue hair, and angelic wings folded at her back. This was Gwen, Alice's sister.

“Where have you been?”

 She had some explaining to do.

#52: The White Mist

12/31/18

So, want to hear something funny? I read entry #14 and I realized I still had a job I had completely ignored for two weeks. I jumped in my car and raced to the mall already expecting the worst. I'll spare the intimate details of it. Just rest assured, I lost my job. Entry #14 came true. I guess missing two weeks of work with no notice has that effect. I didn't cry this time. Part of me doesn't really care about working anyway. It all feels so pointless. Even when I was with Ali and i worked that dead-end job at the gas station i just used my money to medicate my pain and keep a roof over my head. And I mean, if time can just finagle itself around whenever that doesn't seem like it matters in the long term.

There are still certain things I can prevent. I'm not going to confront Burge over those threats from last week. I don't think it will change much though. All that crap with Mammoth, maybe I can make it less likely to happen if I'm on my best behavior around him. I suspect that Darek would control my body to make certain events come true, so even if I tried my best, he would incite incidents similar to the entries. As for Ali, I just need to be sure to not push her away as well. The tricks pulled in entry #7 won't fool me twice. I know she's not going to die, even if my memories get mixed up, because she played a vital role in everything last time. It seems like the safest course of action might be to isolate myself completely. I won't butt heads with Mammoth, create drama for Casey, or cause harm to Ali if I just stay holed up in my room… I don't know for sure though. I think I'm just letting everything get to me. So maybe I'm a little depressed. It just seems like maybe if I don't play these games that's the best way to win...


??/??/??

Anna and I stared our at the lake for a good while in silence. I sensed a contentedness resonating from her that brought me peace as well. The gentle breeze rippled across the landscape and the sun tickled my skin gently.

“Anna?” I asked, breaking the silence.”This place is… is it responding directly to my emotions?”

Anna stared out at the waters for a moment before responding. “I can tell you what Alice told me when I asked about that years ago. Hopefully it will help. She said this place came from the bonds between us. She said it was born from the great love you and she shared and that it only evolved as you developed different fragments and formed relationships with them. Like me and Gwen.”

“So…” I said. “It's not just my emotions. It's all of our emotions?”

She nodded. “Sort of. It's our shared energies woven together, I think. It's not just you but it's how you feel about me and how Gwen feels about me… you know, the dark cloud only showed up after Alice died… I don't know why but… I always felt like I was responsible…”

“That cloud,” I said, “is like a gateway to a dark realm. That place is nothing to do with you or Alice in any form. I feel as if… it's Chameleon, isn't it?” I looked to her for confirmation.

Anna nodded. She watched me with empathic eyes. “I think… Chameleon always existed in another level, like some kind of deity or something outside the Outer Layer.” That triggered something in my memories, but Anna continued talking so I pushed it aside. “But when Alice died, it invited room for Chameleon's way of thinking. We always had Alice to ward off the idea that all things decay but when you find security in someone like that, their absence will do...irreversible damage. Because she was not immune to the death Chameleon represents, it gave him more credibility and thus made us susceptible to the creation of the dark cloud. When we permitted it subconsciously, that's when Chameleon gained power.”

I nodded. “Chameleon exists outside the Outer Layer. So he's deeper than you and Mark Graves and…” I wracked my brain, trying to recall the other question I wanted to ask. As it came to mind I felt a burst of warm air envelop my entire body.

“Darek.” I said. “You said Darek didn't live here last time. You said he came from somewhere else. I don't understand what you mean by that. Is he on the same level as Chameleon?” I could see Anna's eyes drifting into a distant state as she attempted to hide whatever she was feeling. The chill that gusted through the air gave away her frigid feelings for him though. “Anna, what do you know about Darek?”

“The dark cloud is the place Chameleon has control over.” Anna said. “But this realm we are in is the one Darek has control over.” She had a thousand-yard stare that stretched across the entire lake. “Mat, he was with you before Alice. He was the one who created this whole world. He created Alice. He created me. And when Alice, when she died he vanished and left me and Gwen here with the others, the bad ones. He's no good. He abandoned us. And he took you from us! He's always messing with your memories of us for no good reason!”

Tears were leaking down her cheeks by now and I reached my hand out to her tentatively. Suddenly, her arms were around my chest and her face was buried in my shoulder. After a moment of confusion washed over me, my arms wrapped around her and my hand ran itself soothingly along her back. The sound of intense wind in my ears persisted through this embrace, but an aura seemed to collate around the two of us where the air was serenely calm.

“It’s okay, Anna. We are going to be okay.” I said slowly and carefully. “Even though I may forget I always find my way back to you. Even when I don't know you I can feel you with me. You're a part of me. You're a part of who I am and I love you.” The change in the atmosphere at those words brought chills through my body. Anna pulled away and smiled up at me.

Then the pit dripped out of my stomach and the chills became a cloying cold hand inside my heart, exposing a vast hollow inside of me I had not known was still there. I didn't need to look up, but I did anyway. The clouds were sickeningly thick. They were darker than black and writhing as though they were living. They were living; the dark cloud had found me again.

“I don't understand.” I muttered. “Why does it keep finding me…?” There was no fight in me to flee. Staring up at it, being in its presence, I could feel it's departed call to my empty soul. The piece of me I had lost in its madness still remained vacant and glaringly vocal inside of me.

Anna tugged on my shoulder but I could not break my gaze from it. Slowly the tendrils of inky ether coalesced into a cone descending toward us, like a twister forming in slow motion. There was a frigid chill to the air now. Anna tugged on my arm more insistently. I broke my gaze and finally noticed the phenomenon occurring around me.

Mist had risen from the surface of the lake like something out of Silent Hill. Anna was on her feet and the mist seemed to be surrounding is as it poured out thick around the perimeter of the lake. She motioned with her head for me to follow her.

“Do you trust me?” She asked without looking away from the mist. I could swear in the center of the lake I saw a figure in a cloak standing atop The surface of the water. I didn't have time to stare intently though. I blinked against the chill and nodded.

“I do.”

“Good.” She stepped forward and fell into the water. Though she was on it's edge she simply dipped down and vanished as if she had stepped off a cliff edge. There was no resistance.

I looked up again to the dark cloud. It seemed to be struggling against the white mist just over my head, unable to penetrate it. I looked out to the center of the lake but the fog was too thick to see anything if it even had been there at all. Without any choice, I stepped over the surface of the misty lake and I fell.

#51: The Girl at the Lake

12/23/18

Christmas Eve is tomorrow. I can't wait to see what kind of gift card I get this year. I already have a gift that keeps on giving. I have a second chance at life. I think I know what I need to do with it.

First of all, my parents seem to be acting odd. They are being distant and cold, which makes sense given the climate between us leading up to the events recorded in my blog. I was always moody, temperamental, difficult to deal with even before Darek emerged to actively influence my behaviors. I can feel that in the air when they communicate with me. It is more than that though. This seems strange but… they seem to willfully disregard certain odd statements i make. Things I mention concerning the forbidden knowledge seem to go right over their heads.

For example, the other day I was reading in the living room and my mom was cleaning. I looked up suddenly and said “Ben is going to think that Chameleon and Zanark are just hackers again, isn't he?” I didn't mean to say it out loud. It just popped into my head suddenly.

She didn't react at all. It just rubbed me the wrong way how she ignored it completely. It was as if she was programmed to not recognize that phrase or something. I can't quite pinpoint why but it unsettles me. Since then I've tested it with little things. I've asked my parents if they've ever had any weird dreams about doorways. I've mentioned how surreal it seems doing all this again. So basically I've outright suggested that I have lived this life before. They just… ignore those comments. I guess they could be refusing to entertain my flights of fancy or something, but.. I don't know.

Another interesting thing happened. It's given me a direction going forward and that is truly a Christmas miracle. I have been drifting about lost in my own thoughts like a zombie for a week. Then I got a call on my cell phone. The caller ID said Burge. I couldn't place the name at first. I picked up cautiously.

“Hello?”

“You fucking faggot, I hope you're fucking happy with the free money you handed me!”

“What are you talking about?” I asked defensively. I already knew the answer to that. As he started talking memories came flooding back.

“Your slick mouth is making me sick!” An offhand comment turns into him swinging a fist at me. “Your little bitch friends can't protect you forever!” Ali and Ben ushering me away as I broke down in tears. “You're a fucking menace Monaco and it's time somebody taught you a lesson!” The events of entry eight rushed into my mind, the confrontation, the sudden primal fear, and the black nothing that fell upon my memories. This was the same guy. This was the same event playing out again, wasn't it?

“If you want your money back come and fight me for it! Settle your shit like a man or don't show your fucking face around here ever again!” A click and silence. I sat there in numb shock. My mind was processing something entirely different from what it had last time this happened. I remembered not understanding. I remembered being afraid. I remembered wanting to be a man about it and succumbing to my fearful ways. I didn't understand when it happened that sometimes people were just cruel and hard to understand in their irrational actions. I was always so quick to find fault in my own thinking that I didn't consider this guy wasn't actually a friend even if Ben had introduced him to me as an old buddy.

Right now, however, I realized something else. This was happening again. It was playing out just as it was written in my entries from back then. If this was the case, I was in a unique position.  I knew what would transpire. I could possibly avoid all the troubles that followed the early entries by heading them off. I could change the future. All I had to do was… well, honestly it isn't very clear what I need to do to fix the shitshow that's coming. All I can do at this point in time is try to figure out what the best steps would be by studying the entries and any other media that has survived. If this blog still exists online despite the circumstances I find myself in perhaps I can unearth other old records…

??/??/??

The forest looked like a forest, but it felt like so much more.

There was life running through those trees, raw and abundant. It was one thing to read about the Outer Layer. It was a whole other thing being in it. This as realer than real. It made the entirety of my life up to this point feel like a surreal dream while this place was the true reality. My life was already a jumbled up catastrophe of voices and memories and control all out of my power. Herey mind felt sharper, more aware.

“Mat?”

I spun around, startled. The world around me seemed to shift as I did every tree blurred together for a moment and turned it's branches and leaves along with my head. All the clouds in the sky drew toward the point directly over where I focused. I couldn't deny the sensation of control I felt as that happened. I had power here that I lacked in my waking life. It's no wonder I spent all my time here every time I found this place.

Anna sat before me at the edge of her lake. As my eyes fell upon her flashes ran through my brain. I had seen this girl before. I had seen her every time I came to this place in the past, every precious memory that Darek stole from me beyond the doorway flowed through me like water when I saw Anna. Her hair was the deep blue of the lake behind her. Her eyes brimmed with emotion and energy. I felt as though she were a part of myself that I had neglected somehow. Seeing her brought sorrow to my very soul in a profound and intangible way. Overlaying this image was Anna at various different times in my life, times I had seen her when she was younger, times I had seen her in tattered rags, times I had seen her beside Alice. Now, she wore a simple but eye-catching red dress that complimented her petite frame nicely. I opened my mouth to speak, not knowing what to say.

“Mat? Is it really you?” She asked again. Her voice carried a youthful quality to it that made me feel an impulsive paternal protectiveness.

“Anna. I'm sorry. I don't… I don't really… how did I get here?” I stared around at the now-clear blue sky and the open expanse of water surrounded by woodlands. “I thought… I thought the door was only in my dreams…”

“What do you mean?” She asked very seriously. The concern plainly displayed itself upon her freckled, chubby face. “It is. It should be. The doorway is the gap between this place and the dream chamber of your mind. That's what Alice always told us.”

I shook my head, shaking off the bad memories. “No, no, it was...there was…” I shuddered. “Ben. I saw Ben but he came from out of nowhere and it didn't make sense? I, uh, there was a note from Darek. I think it had to do with 2015, one of the old old entries I wrote and something Ben said… I don't get any of it… then the doorway was just there and… here I am…” I looked around again in confused awe.

“And you're sure you weren't dreaming?” Anna said meekly. She was trying her best to help, I could tell. As confusing as this was for me, she was just as lost.

“No. I remember how real everything seemed to feel just before I entered. I walked right out of my job and into this madness…”

Anna leaned over and touched the surface of the lake. The ripple spread out across the entire thing, undulating and seeming to shift like it was alive as the trees. “Well. I don't know what the heck that could mean. I'm sorry. But I'm glad you're back. Do you...remember anything?”

I shrugged. “I don't know. I had a record of the last time I was here though. So I did have some, um, questions? I don't know how much you can help but...I feel safe here. Let's just sit and talk for a bit.” I sat beside her looking out at the lake.

“I'm glad you came back so soon.” She said. She stared down at the water shyly as the ripples faded away to calm. “I'm...sorry about how I behaved last time. I had just spoken to Gwen before I saw you and she filled my head with all these things.” Anna buried her face in her arms, resting them on her knees. “She's a liar, Mat. Don't trust her. The way she acts… she's abusive and manipulative and I don't know why. She really changed after Alice… oh…”

I heard her sigh softly into her arms. I didn't know what else to do so I placed my hand comfortingly on her back. As I did this, a gentle rain fell over us, a sprinkle seeming to appear from nowhere. The sun was covered by a couple clouds as it began, but there was no stormy weather in sight.

“After Alice died?”

Anna nodded and lifted her head. “Mat… it's not just… I… you deserve to hear the truth…” Her hesitance was impossible to miss. Whatever she wanted to tell me stung her somewhere eyes could never see. “Alice was here. Not the real Alice that you talked to when you were a kid, but the love she gave you manifested as a living being. I think that's what all of us are, different aspects of you made sentient. And, um, she… died, like the real Alice. But… the way she died. Mat, I don't know what happened. It was always just me and her and Gwen and you. I… have these moments where I black out. And someone else takes over.”

Now the sky dimmed to a deep, grey, cloudy blanket. As she spoke the rains grew fiercer and winds whipped up around us. We weren't growing damp for some reason, not physically, but I felt the weight on our souls as she spoke. When she mentioned the other inside her mind a laugh echoed out of my memories. It felt so real I glanced around to ensure Darek was not with us in that moment. I could relate to her predicament.

I didn't have time to think it through, in the moment, but I've since pondered greatly on this point she made about her will being overtaken. Was this further confirmation of Chameleon's influence over all of the Figments? Did Anna have her own Darek? How deep could I dive if I wanted to? The events of my time beyond reality will always be treasured as the most real things I've ever experienced. My surroundings I no longer trust but the disease and its reach frightens and humbles me. Whatever battle Anna faced, she faced it with all of us who suffered from it.

“It's like I said. Gwen manipulates. She lies. I don't entirely trust her. But she made me believe, and I still kind of feel, like I was the reason Alice died… like I… was responsible for killing her.”

Lightning cracked through the sky and invited silence between us which the thunder broke seconds later. I looked at this poor, sorrowful soul. I saw reflected in her eyes years of the same trauma Ali had been through at the hands of her mother, the same trauma Ben's adoptive mom put him through as a boy, the prevalent thread of neglect and abuse that ran through my most of our friend circle. She was a victim of a broken family and it wasn't fair. I threw my arms around her and held her in the rising storm.

As I did, a break in the clouds shone sunlight down upon her lake. Between my glistening tears and the glistening water body, an immeasurable sensation of serenity swept through me.

“Alice did not die because of you.” I told her emphatically. “Even if your body was used to commit the act that ended her life, you have no blame. It could just as easily have been my body used or Gwen's or Darek's. Regardless, I forgive you. You're okay. Don't carry this burden placed upon you by the broken system of a family you were left with. Anna, you are in pain and mourning. That's okay. But do not, and hear me here, do not let any of that pain become guilt or shame. You're a victim here. Same as the rest of us.”

The rain ceased. Her arms came around me. We held each other there by the lake as things returned to normal. I got the sense that this was more than just my emotions affecting the weather.

“Thank you for that.” She said quietly.

We sat and watched the water together.

#50: Recreation

12/21/18

FTP: Hello. It has been some time for you hasn’t it? It is so strange. So very strange. Time moved forward, but it moved backward also. I’m typing this up from my parents’ house. I don’t know what exactly happened to me, but i seem to be back in time.

I’ve been here four or five days, trying to sort through my own mind and comprehend just what I’ve gone through. It seems the blog still exists, but it says I haven’t posted here in over a year. I feel like I was there beyond the doorway maybe a day. To learn that all this time passed, while at the same time things seem to have reverted as well, is boggling my mind. I knew, I KNEW something unusual was going on with time ever since I saw that video of Ben mourning Casey before she even died. That doesn’t mean this has been any less frightening and overwhelming to experience.

Since returning to the real world from my long slumber(the details of which I will share in chunks as I transcribe it), I’ve snooped around my belongings for clues as to my own identity. It sounds stupid typed out like that, but this whole situation is absurd enough to warrant such statements. I found out I graduated high school in 2017. So I am still 19 somehow, and it is still 2018 somehow. I don’t understand this. Time moved forward but I moved backward. I lost the last two years of my life even though it has been almost two years since I updated this blog.

I haven’t seen my family in so long. I’ve been hiding in my room scared to confront them directly. Part of me wants to babble like a madman about what I went through, but I know I can’t just throw a million things at them. This feels like some type of Groundhog Day scenario, so they likely don’t recognize anything is amiss.

One thing I’m sure of, though; this is wrong. I’m not wrong, and I’m not delusional or hallucinatory. There is something very wrong here that goes beyond my mental condition. And I need to get it out to someone. Since I can’t rant to my family or friends, I’ll rant to you guys. It only makes sense.


05/14/17

It started off like any other day. I had basically resolved to end the investigation. I think all my leads had hit dead ends or something. Writing this from the future, it feels distant and surreal, like a dream that lasted longer than i was asleep for. Ali was right, I had figured; it was pointless entertaining the whole thing when I could just live a life. Or had Darek convinced me of that?

April crawled by uneventfully, marked by drunk, stoned evenings which permitted my mind the depressurization it needed to face the next day. Even though my circumstances had been so unusual and overwhelming, I fell into a routine that comforted me with complacency. It’s crazy how we can adapt so quickly; the mind is as resilient as it is fragile.

So nothing really happened during the time between the last entry and this incident. Rather, if it did I turned my head and ignored it. I actually remember a weird dream I had about a week before this date. Typically my chemical-induced slumbers are uninterrupted and dreamless. That night, however, I’d been forced to sleep sober due to unforeseen circumstances. My rest was not restful at all. Tossing and turning, waking up in the middle of the night, I saw flashes of the events of entry 43 playing out before me, this empty expanse that filled me with dread, broken scenes depicting me running from a massive storm head, darkness that both claustrophobically smothered me and left me weightless in eternity, I can barely see what I dreamed of, but I can feel it. Oh, I can feel it like I’m still there. It is insane the lengths the mind will go to in order to deny impending danger, because I just shook it off, got stoned the next day, and move on with my life.

Anyway, this day enters like any other. I didn’t feel odd waking up. Nothing stuck out to me as I proceeded through the motions. I woke up, ate breakfast, smoked a bowl, messed around on the internet for a bit, smoked another bowl, went to work, drudged through a short four-hour shift, grabbed a snack from the shelves, and began the peaceful walk home. I hadn’t even thought about Darek at that point, hadn’t heard his voice since waking up in fact.

The evening was a cool one for Florida, the last of the sunlight had just evacuated the sky and the stars kept me company as I passed under street light after street light. I had some song playing, something melancholy if memory serves. It has been so freaking long since that moment. So much has happened. Forgive my inability to properly set the scene.

Have you ever just felt a disturbance in the air? Like something atmospheric shifted and you aren’t privy to the specifics, but the hair on your body stand straight up and you feel a shudder rush through your soul? Whatever was happening in that moment, it shook me to my core and froze me in my tracks. It was right behind me, I was sure of it, but I couldn’t force myself to turn around. My backpack hung loosely over my shoulder, swaying in the remnant of my motion. My entire body turned, struggling just to swivel as the weight of the air slowed my movements. It was like I was in water.

“Monaco…?”

The backpack fell to the ground. My hand shot to unzip it as my eyes took in Ben’s appearance. Disheveled didn’t begin to describe it. He looked like he hadn’t slept, shaved, or showered in a week. His clothes were loose and hanging off his thin bones. His eyes, haunted by ghosts that stalked his head, stared wildly through me. He had noticeable bags beneath. There was something in his hand, some sort of crumpled piece of sketchbook paper, and in his other he held a knife. My hand was already inside my bag, digging for the police baton Richee had purchased me.

“No. No, no.” He staggered toward me. Was he drunk? I wished I had a little alcohol in me then. Maybe I wouldn’t be so afraid. “You’re not gettin’ away from me this time…” His hair was as wild a mess as his eyes. Everything from his demeanor to his attire shouted danger at me.

“I… I don’t understand.” I managed, my hand closing around the baton at last. “How did you get here? Where did you come from?”

“I don’t know where I just was!” He cried. “The woods? The lake? The nightmare? There was a thing… it attacked me… tendrils and smoky mist, and… I can’t remember…” He looked to me again as if remembering I was there. “You. Darek Ocanom.” He sneered Darek’s name with such disdain. I rose to my full height, still shorter than him, carefully concealing my weapon behind my leg. “What was this about?“ He waved the paper in my face. “I delivered your dumb message. What was it about though? Huh? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE EYES ON ME, ASSHOLE!”

He was in my face now. His tone did not suggest amicability. So I reacted. I didn’t think. Something about him calling me by Darek’s name unclogged the flood gate of repressed tension. I smacked him in the hand as I extended the police baton, all on one sudden, swift motion. His knife flew into the air. Then I pushed into him, knocking him onto his back. I could smell the alcohol in the air now. He was definitely drunk.
“Why did you put your last name backwards?” Ben asked. Despite what I had just done, he showed no sign of surprise in his speech. I didn’t quite respond either. I just fell upon him, swinging the weapon downward. Again and again I crashed it into his face. I was trying to shut him up but it seemed like he wouldn’t stop speaking.

“Didn’t you” smack “know I’d” smack “figure it out?” I struck him square in the jaw, dislocating it. “Why are you” smack “trying to change” smack “the situation” smack “without changing yourself first?” He wasn’t even moving his mouth anymore. His face was becoming a bloody mess. There was no way the words could be coming from him yet they persisted to invade my ears. He didn’t even stop speaking when I hit him with the police baton anymore. I just kept whacking him and whacking him and the words just kept pouring out.

“You think you’re so damn cute, always playing the victim, acting like you don’t know anything. You’re a trickster who lies to all of us! Even yourself! Especially yourself! Does Monaco even exist? Or is this just Darek!?”

I remembered every word I heard because I had thought it countless times myself.

Eventually my arm grew numb. I was just swinging it mechanically and surrendering to adrenaline in a desperate plea to drown out the voice. The entire scene became a bloody mess. By the time I finally understood that the voice was an imitation in my head, Ben’s head had been reduced to an unrecognizable pulp. Darek broke into mad laughter in my brain and nausea fell upon me like a weight. My legs shook so badly, I was so weak, I couldn’t manage to get up off my knees. The entire world started spinning. What had I done?

With bloody hands shaking like a leaf, an indescribable and irrational clarity came over me. I watched those shaking hands, almost as if controlled by someone else, reach out to the scrap of paper at Ben’s side. It was, indeed,a message from Darek. It said “please deliver this for me” and contained a quote Ben was recorded as having said back in one of the early entries. It was also dated around the time the entry occurred, two years ago. My head was swimming with he sensory overload I was experiencing. I remember this note pretty well, though, because of what I saw on the other side.

It said “I have eyes on you” and showed various symbols ranging from Slenderverse icons to religious markings.  When I laid eyes on the page my mind screamed into my ears, a tingling sensation swept through my whole body, like pins and needles everywhere at once. I screamed over the scream and dropped the note to clutch at my ears. I fell backward, away from the corpse. And my eyes swept up to the street.

Two things struck me simultaneously. I guess it speaks to my mental state that I focused on more than the obvious details in that stressful moment. First, the doorway was standing in the middle of the street, suspended there by nothing. It was the same doorway I remembered. When I saw it hundreds of memories of passing through it lit my mind. The other thing I noticed was that not a single soul occupied the streets even though it was early evening and this was not a quiet part of town. Not a single car was on the road. No people, no noises, no signs of life. I was the only living thing left as far as I could tell.

So much raced through my mind. I had questions. I had reservations. I had crippling nausea and vague tinglings of dissociation. The doorway called to me. Of course, my mind reasoned. This must all be a dream. I stumbled almost in a trance to the door. I walked around it. I touched it. It was as solid as anything around me. This didn’t feel like a dream, but it just materialized there in the middle of the street. I didn’t want to look back at the body laying on the sidewalk. I opened the door and passed through into the blinding white light.