02/01/19
FTP: So, here we are again. I've finished recounting the events of what was apparently the past two years and now we are moving forwards with the investigation once again. There's a lot to cover here so let me delve into the recent events.
While I've been working on these entries over the past month and a half I've set out to try to understand the circumstances of my existence as well as test the limits of how I can influence things around me. There are certainly key differences between my present circumstance and the past iteration I remember. Mammoth is dead. I didn't realize until I saw Ben's video. Casey and Jake did not die--they just never existed to begin with. I tried to contact any other characters in the early entries to find out how many of them were still around. I couldn't find Frankie anywhere. It makes sense; I knew him because of Jake and Casey so it seems like they and anyone directly introduced through their presence do not exist anymore.
Inversely, James Burge, who was friends with Ben and Mammoth, still exists and still hates my guts for whatever reason. It doesn't matter. He's a pill popping drug dealer. Because Mammoth and Ben were still playing the same role as the last time, Burge still existed. He is irrelevant though; he isn't going to matter within thirty days of this post. These were all superfluous elements to the project. Even Mammoth who committed suicide instead of tormenting me is more or less irrelevant to the grand scheme of things.
What is most important to note is that these were not changes I controlled or made of my own accord. I tried to avoid the fate I could. I thought if I could actively change something through my will then I would be able to prove to myself that there was a possibility I could have a meaningful impact in some way shape or form. Well, so far I have utterly failed. I already lost my job by the time I realized I had one. I still had a chance to pass my college class and get my diploma. I tried to do that for a period but fate had other plans. I ended up getting into an accident anyway.
I was trying my best to avoid fulfilling the circumstances of the early entries but it proved difficult. So many of them feel like distant dreams in a vacuum of null. I can't even remember where I got into that car accident. Still, if I just never drove again I would get nowhere. I still had the same 2001 Acura Integra I vaguely recall owning for those two weeks before the crash. I was as careful as could be, but even though I exclusively drove to and from school along the same route, fate collided with me eventually.
I remembered the blinding flash, the buzzing in my ears. It was the exact same sensation of crossing through the doorway. I felt my heart beating in my ears. Honestly I was half-afraid I would see some Slender Man abomination pressed up against the windshield of my crushed car. Even though I didn't, I felt the tense, paranoid fear that it represented. I threw open the driver side door and staggered out of the car into the deathly still intersection. Looking around, I realized the sad truth of the situation; I had been rear ended by a jeep at a red light. My windshield was cracked all over. My hood was scrunched up like a slinky. The memories locked in my brain flooded back, memories of the last accident exactly like this one; the same accident had occurred before, more than once. I went through the motions, answered the police's questions, listened to my parents ramble about insurance, watched the tow truck load up the smashed car, all with the detached surrealism of a dreamer.
It took a few hours sitting alone in my room contemplating the gravity of everything for the truth of things to sink in. Once the numbness faded away, once the distorted lens of sensation and perception receded to the background, once I applied practical reasoning to what had happened, I understood the blow fate had dealt. Jake didn't exist anymore. Jake's car didn't exist anymore. Fearing the worst, I hurried down into the living room.
“How am I going to get to my physics class without a car?” I asked my mom. “The buses don't run that late.”
“That's not our problem.” She responded curtly.
“Have one of your friends bring you.” My dad said from the couch.
I didn't even argue. This had happened last time. The only problem was I didn't have Jake to bail me out. Consider my class failed. Another prophecy comes to pass.
So… wanting to try and take steps in a more productive direction, I decided to swallow my fears and finally confront Ben and Ali with what I had gone through. If I could somehow convince them or at least get any reaction out of them whatsoever I could change things with their help. I had to try. I asked Ben to meet me at the mall on Saturday to talk. Ideally, if I could convince him to understand what I was trying to do, he might give me rides to school so I could thwart the flow of events. Well, it didn't go exactly like i wanted at all. This is my best transcription of the conversation as I can remember it…
“Okay Monaco, so what did you want to talk to me about? I'm assuming it's not the weather. Which is terrible by the way.”
“Ben, listen. I know this is going to be hard to believe.” I took a deep breath. “I have to start at the--”
“Quit playing all dramatic. Just cut to the point already.”
“Fine.” I snapped, a latent wave of irritation coursing through me. “Just promise you'll hear me out before you make your assumptions.”
“I'll humor you.” He promised. His expression was unreadable.
“Okay so look, basically I'm pretty sure I'm reliving events that have already happened. I have this blog online that recounted events from 2016 and earlier that didn't happen yet, but they're coming true and I've been trying to use the blog to predict--”
“Okay, let me stop you right there.” Ben said. “I already know about your stupid blog and it is not okay for you to use my likeness in your creative project without my permission.”
“Why?” I meant to ask him why he wasn't letting me speak my peace before he cut in but he responded before I could even fully gather my thoughts. I felt as if this conversation was spiraling out of my control.
“Why? Because some people who see it might think it's real!”
“But it was real!” I said.
“Oh. Excuse me. It is real.” He corrected. “Because I remember that time three years ago when I didn't know you!”
“But…” I scrambled to regain control of the situation. “How do you explain the dates on the entries?” I was on the defensive and that was not good.
“I can explain it easy enough.” Ben answered. “You changed the dates to make it look like it happened back then. You were sitting alone in your room really stoned and you somehow convinced yourself this would be a fun little social experiment to conduct and see if you could implant false memories or something. We didn't know you back then! None of us knew you!”
“Ben.” I managed weakly. “No. I'm not making this up. Something happened. There was a doorway and I went through it and when I came back to reality everything was...reset, somehow…”
“So you're trying to tell me that you time traveled through the Matrix and we're all in the Truman show right now, is that the gist of it?”
“Well. When you put it like that, I mean…” I couldn't think of anything to say in that moment. I wish I had just shown him the YouTube channel. He couldn't deny that evidence. Alas, I wasn't thinking clearly and I doubt he will even entertain me like that again.
“You're delusional. You actually believe your own BS so much that… oh my God.” Ben stood up in his seat. “Stay out of my life. Stay out of my friend's lives. And just move on. I'm done.” He grabbed his phone and keys from the table and moved toward the exit.
“Ben wait!” I shouted after him. “What about Chameleon? How can we stop him?”
For a second I swore I recognized Mark underneath, urging Ben to turn around, but the smoldering, irate glare get gave me was all his own, and he left my view with that image burned into my head.
So I certainly could have handled that much better. I froze up and I couldn't really get a word in edgewise. He just ended up steamrolling me with his own views and walking away. Ben really does have this stubborn way of thinking that shrouds him in delusion. This does however mean that the schism between him and me that Darek created in that six month time skip last time has been set into motion so much faster than anticipated. I have no idea how this will ripple out or what it means for the entire timeline set out in the Tumblr entries.
Speaking of the Tumblr entries, let me address the various things that have been recorded in the last five entries. First of all, I will not bother trying to reason out the circumstances that led me to end up in this unique position. Mostly this is because I've thought myself in circles enough already. There is no conclusive evidence, nothing lending itself to definitively demonstrate one particular answer over another. Maybe I'm plugged into a simulation world. Maybe I'm really, really mentally unstable. Maybe I time traveled through the Matrix and now we are all in the Truman Show.
Instead I will unpack the evidence uncovered through my conversations in the Outer Layer. I have noted some interesting information in my meetings. First of all, there was the lakeside chat I had with Anna. She seems to be a very innocent personality in the grand scheme of things. I can't help but feel she and I are similarly victimized by the greater conflict of Chameleon and Zanark that engulfs the Outer Layer. Being able to understand more about myself and the things around me from talking to her was helpful. And though she is not Alice, the fact that she knew my Alice gives me comfort as if Alice survives in small ways through Anna's memory. What she said about the Outer Layer being Darek's realm intrigues me. That means that Anna and Gwen occupy a plane under Darek's control. Is it because he is an aspect of my mind that he controls that territory? And what about Chameleon and Zanark being present there? It seems as though the lake and the dark cloud are extensions of their realms encroaching upon Darek's plane. This suggests a sort of spiritual interconnection between my mind and the other afflicted ones--Ben, Ali, and Casey. I saw what I presume to be Mark Graves inside the dark cloud and I met Lucinda inside the lake. Therefore, through Chameleon and Zanark, I can infer we are all tied together on a mental and spiritual level. It is likely this connection that Chameleon abuses to influence multiple people.
Then there was the cryptic conversation I shared with the woman calling herself Lucinda. One of the most interesting things she spoke of was the patterns permeating the entire construct of the Outer Layer. In recognizing the influence of Chameleon and Zanark I can see their interplay on the Outer Layer as part of the pattern as well. The Dark Realm inside the cloud is Chameleon's domain. The misty realm inside the lake is Zanark's. Anna was linked to the lake. I remember, vaguely, that Gwen conveniently vanished when the dark cloud appeared in entry #43. It is possible that she, full of darkness and manipulation, is tied to the cloud in some way. I do not trust Gwen. It is just a feeling I get that i can't quantify. Even the part where she made Anna feel responsible for Alice's death feels fishy to me.
Lucinda also shed some light on the inner machinations of Casey West. She was apparently the other half of her as Mark is to Ben. Veronika was called a facade, a projection of Casey's to try to cope with Lucinda. She even mentioned Alyson, which is a name of Casey's I had never heard before. It seems that Alyson played the role of Alice in Casey's pattern. Casey herself was similar to Anna, compassionate and victimized by circumstance. I suppose that, as Lucinda implied that Veronika was a projection or a facade created to preserve innocence, I could be seen to perform that same function. I'm the front man while the chaos behind the scenes runs rampant. That makes Lucinda, the mistress of madness, much like Gwen, deepening my suspicions of the faux angel.
So let us finally get into the meeting with Gwen and the identity of the stranger with the flaming sword. At the time of meeting her I didn't know who she was. Having been able to think about it, and having spent time in Ali's presence, this individual is none other than Kendra herself. It makes sense. After all, who else but Kendra would be so powerfully present in my mind that she radiated peace even in a state of protective fury? And if Lucinda appeared in connection to Anna who was a product of my relationship with Casey, then Kendra would naturally appear in response to Gwen who implied she was spawned by the manipulative relationship between me and Ali. It makes perfect sense that Kendra would come to protect me from such slander as Gwen dared to speak it. It continues the patterns Lucinda referred to. I do believe that these patterns are guidelines I can follow to help me decipher the entities and manifestations around me.
As much as I suspect her, as much as I get bad vibes from everything she says and does, a lot of what Gwen said undeniably carried kernels of truth to it. She and Anna were creations of mine. They do carry aspects of myself inside of them. To disregard that truth would be foolish. However, she used those truths and twisted the conversation into something she wanted. My relationship with Ali may not have been perfect but regardless of its origins it is the best friendship I've ever had. The thought of it being a false manipulation does keep me up at night (among other thoughts), but I simply refuse to believe that is true. It was a lie used to forward Gwen's agenda. The way I felt around Kendra is proof enough for me.
The last thing she said made me more curious than upset. She said that the patterns Lucinda talked about could be filled in by anyone. Thanks possibility fascinates me. Perhaps… if I could more fully comprehend the pattern, I could act to fill in a role different than the one I occupied last time. If I could do that I could effectively alter the course of destiny without interfering with the events as they play out directly. I've been looking at this too linearly; I keep thinking i either go along with the flow of events or I fight against it. What if, instead of either of those options, I simply follow a different stream to the ocean?
For now that's all I have. I'll keep trying to figure things out and update you via Twitter if I get anywhere. Thanks for sticking with me through all this. At least I have you random internet viewers.
