03/05/19
Everything is so surreal; today felt like living inside a dream.
It started as a dream. I recalled the reflected pools of blue gazing curiously at me from the thick miasma of smoke. The form was obscured but the telltale wingspan extending behind her gave Gwen away. Around me cloyed the unnerving stillness of eternity, neither in existence nor incorporeal, an anomalous vacuum I occupied inexplicably. As I watched in suspended fright, Gwen flapped her wings and billowing blankets of thick darkness fell over me, over and over I was buffeted by these suffocating gusts of smoke. One would assume her wings flapping would cause the air to move the smoke away; instead, it seemed as if each flap of her shadow angel's wings were generating more and more smoke. It surrounded me, consumed me, suffocated me.
To be honest I have always been afraid of drowning. The idea of being unable to breathe, to know that you can't hold out much longer, that you're being pushed to a place where your body will take a breath anyway and water will fill your lungs, it's frightening. It kind of feels like a forced suicide. If you can relate to this fear, amplify it by ten and you have an idea of what suffocating in that smoke felt like. It lasted forever. My body couldn't move; my mind couldn't hold out. I knew I would die if I inhaled it but it started seeping in anyway, through my nose, through my ears, eventually into my throat. Echoes of twisted, distorted laughter from Gwen followed me as I faded into the darkness, my body and soul and consciousness melted into the smoke.
Then I was awake, awakened as if I had been falling in my dream and suddenly jolted out of it. My heart raced. My hand clutched my chest. My eyes darted wildly, seeking the familiarity of my bedroom. Instead I was faced with a doorway. It was not THE doorway, but it stood suspended in that same null from before, a foreboding ebony shade. All around me was a vast expanse of nothing. Even though I did not want to to go through that door, every psychic sense in my soul told me that it was my only option. I moved forward.
I opened the door and passed through into the food court. Having been asleep at a decent hour(decent enough considering I had no money and no drugs to assist me), the wave of exhaustion that fell over me felt unreal. There was an emptiness inside of me akin to the vast null previously surrounding me. I inferred I had not eaten at all in a while. The expression “running on fumes” came to mind. Truly, I felt as if my ability to stand and move was rooted in some second wind. Was this really the food court? Or was i still dreaming? This felt real, but then that wasn't saying much considering reality felt like a dream lately.
In an ocean of delirium, I stumbled forwards. That's right. I remembered. I'm supposed to meet up with Ali today. Too late to back out. I was here, somehow, and there she was walking toward me.
“Hey, you!” She smiled. I tensed up.
“H-how are you?” I mumbled. She ran up and hugged me. It was almost too innocent. I felt Kendra burning behind her eyes.
“I'm okay.” She said. “Honestly it's just good to get out of the house. I've basically been doing nothing but playing games on the computer all week.”
“Have you been applying for jobs?” I asked casually.
“Umm, I have a few possibilities.” She mused. I could tell she was lying. “But nothing for certain .”
“Why don't you try something online?” We started walking through the mall. There was a big, open area ahead where the path split off into three directions. Aimless, I turned right and she followed.
“What do you mean?”
I took a deep breath. It was now or never. If I could just guide her along the path she had followed last time, I could probably get away with such innocuous inconsistencies as the fact that I probably had no idea what her cousin did for a living.
“Well your cousin Jae works for Google or something right?” I racked my brain for any specific details of how the job worked. “Doesn't she do like spreadsheet management or something from home? I was thinking that type of job could be good for you…”
I half-expected a confused reply or some searching gaze but her eyes lit up and danced around the colors of the various storefronts. We approached the child's play area, another open enclosure in front of J.C. Penney.
“That's crazy. I was actually talking to her just the other day! And you're right. That job does sound super interesting, just…” She hesitated. Here came the big turn-around. I should have known! She was going to follow the exact same pattern and isolate herself from me. Our friendship was about to collapse. I felt Darek at the corner of my mind ready to enact his version of the conversation at will. All the colors and shapes blurred together. I really didn't sleep last night. I must still be dreaming.
“I just… I'd have to move all the way up to Melbourne to do the training for that job. If I even got it.” She liked at me with that same leading curiosity as if Kendra were right there orchestrating all of this. A chill ran through me at how perfectly this was progressing.
“Well if you applied and got hired I'm sure she would let you move in with her.” I said.
“Rob doesn't want me to leave West Palm though.” She said, for the first time looking away from me entirely so I could not see her face. “His family's here, he said. So we can't go.”
“Ali.” I began, and Darek descended upon my awareness. The sensation of free falling returned; I heard the voices before I saw the scene. It was me and Ali, but… I didn't recognize the memory.
“Look, you're better off without him.” My voice declared. “He's manipulative towards you and you know it. You play this facade like you and he are so happy but you're with him to forget your past and he's using you for companionship. It's not healthy.”
“I know, but… what will I do?” Ali said. This version of her gave off a totally different vibe. She sat starting at the ground in the food court. Her hair was a mess and you could tell she had been picking at her pimples bad just by glancing at her. This was not the same upbeat and excited girl I had just been talking to.
Darek leaned in closer. His energy swirled with intensity and passion. “I don't know. Something will come up.” He reached out and placed his hand over hers. “We can figure it out together.”
This is from before, isn't it? I realized. This is from those six months I lost.
Slammed back into the moment, still hollow inside and drained of all energy, I saw this time Ali was putting her hand over mine.
“You look exhausted.” She said. “Are you sleeping okay?”
I wanted to say I still might be.
“Maybe it's time you put your happiness first for once.” I said. It wasn't really me talking. Even though I chose the words I know i didn't script them. “You're always thinking about everybody else before yourself, Ali. Perhaps it's time to change that and do what works for you.”
“Besides.” I smiled over at her. Despite the utter mental exhaustion, I still managed to radiate a reassuring warmth with that smile. “Honestly, I think you would be better off without him anyway.”
She smiled back and we continued walking. I didn't need to wait to find out how things would work out. I already knew because I had lived in the aftermath of them. Part of me felt dirty and manipulative, that part that still held fast to the delusion of normalcy I had maintained since first hearing Darek's voice.
Don’t lose hope. Zanark is more patient than Chameleon is wrathful. I can help you deal with the false angel.
“Huh?” I looked over hearing that but Ali didn't even seem to be paying attention to me. She was staring raptly into massage parlor storefront. I brushed the oddity aside and assumed I was hearing things.
We hung out for a bit longer. I kind of fell into autopilot. She prattled on about all sorts of drama between her and Rob and his family. I just tuned it out, mostly. There's no sense recounting irrelevant details on this blog. The entire rest of the day was a giant blur and I can't even remember falling asleep or anything besides vague impressions. The days are starting to blend together actively and I'm not sure if I could even tell you with any confidence how I got to and from the mall.
I just hope with all my heart that this wasn't a mistake.
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