#56: February Recap

02/22/19

It is so difficult to focus my thoughts.

Sensation rules my perceptions. When I try to focus on the information i gained from those entries i get overshadowed by the emotions that gripped me during my experiences. Fear, confusion, nostalgia, sorrow, and more bend my perceptions and force my rationality to take a back seat. In those moments I just sneak into my dad's liquor cabinet and drown out the trauma. He's not a big drinker so I've gotten away with it so far, but he will notice eventually. There's also the handfuls of change I steal from his room to come up with five dollars to get stoned every weekend. Yeah, they're going to start to notice.

So things are tense at home. Honestly, that's expected. Given the realization that I cannot fight the forces of fate, I am marked for death; I will lose my grace with my parents eventually. Is this perhaps how it happened last time? Did Darek take my body in those six months and do nothing? It's possible. It's probable.

There's something I have only just paid attention to as well. There is a red MegaBlok near me almost all the time. It just keeps popping up. Now that I have noticed it I cannot stop from spotting it all over the place. Sometimes it is in my backpack when I go out to chill with Ali. Sometimes it is on a counter or a shelf just out of the focus of my attention. I know it is the same block every time because it is damaged and melted slightly.

This is reminiscent of the blue MegaBlok Ben had in his videos. It also reminds me of the fact that Mark gave him a red MegaBlok which he had in his last video. It seemed to spike his anger whenever he looked at it. I don't know if this block is supposed to be a representation of something in the Outer Layer but it's continued presence in my life is unsettling. Is it the cause of this foggy mental state or the result of it? It's incredibly unsettling and not normal.

Speaking of Ben, he still refuses to have contact with me. He is going to some extremes, too. He's blocked my number and deletes any message Ali sends concerning my name. He shuts down any conversation about me and just won't give me room to speak my mind. So I have been considering this.

He uploaded a video to Facebook. Mark turned it into a YouTube release complete with footage of our conversation at the mall and throwbacks to the first time he uploaded a video defaming me.  It more or less reflects the conversation we had as depicted in the last entry. I am just a little surprised at how radically it affected him. He's jumped straight from being willing to hear me out to considering me a danger to him. The last time this happened, it took the death of his oldest-friend-slash-love-interest. Something about the conversation we had doesn't feel right. It was as if I could not properly articulate my thoughts; it kind of reflects how I've been feeling a lot since waking up, honestly. It seemed jumbled and messy, but it also is odd because it didn't seem like I misspoke so badly as to incite such hatred from Ben. He's always been a stubborn type, but this just seems extreme.

It seems as though, in my attempt to subvert the flow of events, I have instead accelerated them. That got me thinking: instead of trying to fight my destiny, why don't I just radically embrace it. I know that, after those six months of darkness, I ended up enemies with Ben while Ali had left her boyfriend and let me live with her. If Ben is already my enemy, wouldn't the next obvious step be…?

Yeah, the more I think about it the more confident I become. This is what I am supposed to do. Having recently been in Kendra's presence, I know she cares about me, she is on my side. If I even hint at the idea that we could be together, I bet she would drop Rob in an instant. It's a crazy sounding idea, I know. Every moral bone in my body says to just let it be. But the more and more I look at the evidence and the patterns the more I am convinced this is the right move.

If this was real life and my actions had lasting consequences on the world around me I would not do this. But something insane is going on and if I don't evolve my perceptions and inferences to keep pace I won't get anywhere. From the perspective of someone who has seen backstage, who has lived this out once before, who knows that these people are just actors on a set amusing Chameleon and Darek and Zanark, what do I even care if I'm a little bit of a homewrecker? I've noticed Ali's passive aggressive comments lately. The home I'm wrecking was broken already anyway.

So that's the plan going forward. I acknowledge it is insane but I can't stop things from happening. I already lost my job and my car and my grades and my friends. What's this on top of it? Let's just go all in and place a risky bet. The worst case scenario is that I get reset and I don't remember any of it anymore.

Or maybe I will find the end of this rabbit hole and be free at last.