#53: Lucy in the Sky

01/10/19

Sorry it has been so long between updates. One of the reasons was the content of this entry being vital to my records. A lot was revealed through the meetings and discussions inside the lake that I wanted to try and capture accurately. Tangentially I want to apologize if my writing seems to be subpar. Reading back it feels like there's more exposition dump than characterization; through all of this insanity I am an avid writer and I do know that my craft has certain expectations to storytelling. Sometimes I feel this...energy around me when I write about events and it's like I'm reliving them. I can feel Anna assisting me from the other side and it comes out well. Other times I just need to make sure I express the information that was given to me even if it's done in a clunky and stilted manner.

Another factor of my hiatus is Ben. His YouTube has been active once again. I guess Mammoth committed suicide recently. This tragic event is, for me at least, oddly fortuitous as it suggests that changes in the timeline are occurring. But it's not Mammoth that distracted me from posting. It's Casey.

He referred to her Facebook account Veronika West, one of the names she went by among our friend group often, and he acted like he had never heard of her before. I could dismiss this as being a quirk of the situation I find myself in. Maybe certain events play out differently and Ben never met Casey. But no, she just doesn't exist. There is no trace of her on any social media platform. Her phone number connects me to a fucking Chinese restaurant. Jake Ramsay's DeviantArt account has been deactivated. I went by Jake's house and do you know what? IT ISN'T EVEN THERE ANYMORE!! THERE IS LITERALLY A WAREHOUSE WHERE JAKE RAMSAY USED TO LIVE! CASEY DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE!! JAKE DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE! IT IS LIKE THERE IS VACANT SPOT WHERE THEY USED TO BE!! AND I'M FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!!

I asked Ali if she remembered Casey West. She looked at me with this dumb smile as if expecting a joke and shook her head. “Was she someone from school?” I sighed and dropped the issue. I just told her “Never mind. You're my best friend, Ali. Please never leave me.” She promised she wouldn't. I'm starting to feel like she's all I'll have left when this erupts. Ben has been treating me very indifferently lately. He's usually distant from time to time but he's been really cold ever since I lost my job. I don't want our friendship to end like it did last time; I don't know how to actively talk top Ben and avoid the schism.

I've been spending time with Ali and Rob often, smoking and joking and trying to enjoy myself. It is so strange how naturally it comes. I fully expected the facade to fall apart and them to notice something fishy was up. But I guess Darek or whoever doesn't want me messing everything up for him. So this casual confidence comes over me around my friends like an old coat that still fits nicely. It's fine for now. I'm still sorting through my options with Ben and Ali. I feel like, based on everything I know, they are different from my family. I can't quite explain it but the fact that they also have Figments in the Outer Layer implies that they're variables in the system that can be affected directly. They might not just ignore me if I make any off comments.

That seems like a good next step to consider, honestly. If I can work up the nerve I might try to confront one or both of them and see how they respond. I might be able to affect the timeline in that manner. Anyway let me continue with the story from beyond the doorway. I'll analyze this video more intently once I've got a more level head for the next entry.



 ??/??/??

I did not experience the sensation of falling. It was more like the surroundings lifted themselves up around me and I stood still. I was frozen. The surroundings rushed past me so quickly. My senses couldn't keep up as the shock of the sudden shift threw everything off-balance. This dizzy spinning pale white surrounded me by the time my brain caught up to my eyes. Everything felt distorted. It was so similar to the sensation suggested in entry 43, except there was a serenity to it all. The numb soothed my worries and pains rather than snuffed out my hopes and peace. This was different as much as it was similar.

Finally, the sensations washing over my body subsided and I felt I had faculty of myself again. I flexed my fingers to confirm and held my hand to my face. When I took a step forward, my foot caught in a tuft of sand. I looked down. That mist from the surface of the lake seemed thinner but remained present with no visible stopping point. I stood on a small island in the middle of a pool of water that surrounded me on all sides. As far as I could see the layer of water was nothing more than a thin puddle; it would not even wet the top of my feet. I glanced around. The expanse felt vast. This was a large open space but the fog floating around invited an oxymoronic sense of compact, comfortable smallness. It was almost as if I was inside of a large entity, a deity swaddling me in it's comforting but unfathomably massive presence.

“Hello?” I called out tentatively. Though my voice echoed into the distance, the fog seemed to swallow the sound up. I sighed, and it possessed the same paradoxical diminishing echo quality. I took a couple steps forward, my feet sinking into the thin layer of water all around the little sand bar. 

“Mathew.” I glanced to the side I heard the noise from but saw nothing.

“Anna?” I called out in response. Nobody answered.

I could not comprehend the attribute of the space my voice was travelling through. As I moved away from the little island it seemed like I was becoming increasingly boxed into a smaller and smaller space. Sounds and sensations reached me from no more than ten feet and shrinking as I stepped out of sight of the landmass. The fog obscured my vision to greater and greater degrees. Despite this, there remained an uncanny valley of distortion between the distance and quality of the sound. It felt like I was screaming out over the grand canyon. Even though there was only a small space in which the sound moved it behaved as if it were reverberating through a great open expanse.

“Over here!” This voice seemed to come from everywhere at once and it did not resemble Anna at all.

I felt a shudder course through me as a memory returned to the front of my mind. I was in Jake's car and Ben was confronting me about kissing Casey. She was laughing in the front seat only it wasn't her. It was someone else. That laugh, that voice, echoed out all around me and made me feel so insignificant.

I moved forward. The level of the water never changed but the surroundings became vaguer and duller as I moved ahead. Soon it was only me, the mist, and a small five foot square of water making up my reality.

 “This place is not a prison but a reprieve.” That voice said again. It didn't sound like Casey but it made me think of her. I kept my eyes glued to the fog surrounding me. It seemed to be thinning out as I moved forward. The water sloshed against the side of my shoes; it rippled outward into the great unknown. This place felt alive, as if it were breathing in sync with my footsteps.

The mist became less thick and obfuscating at last and I saw a strange sight ahead. It was some sort of pile of debris, a strange silhouette of rubble visible through the mist.

 “Kindness,” that voice repeated. “Camaraderie.” I could see now that the pile of debris was comprised mostly of stone, large slabs in piles of shattered chunks and other refuse. “Trust.” These words seemed to wash over my soul in shuddering waves of power. They were more than the words themselves. They meant something greater.

 “Love.” There atop the ruin stood a lone female figure. Her dress was jet black and blended into the shadows beneath her seamlessly. She was slender with wide hips and pale skin. The dress was low-cut revealing more of her figure. Her face… seeing it I felt a flash of memory strike at my mind. It was Casey. From the freckles to the lipstick to the expression in her eyes. It didn't look like her--the woman above me had long dark hair with a streak of violent red through it. Her eyes were dark brown and her teeth were pointed like a vampire's fangs. She was taller than Casey was with pale, immaculate skin and her body's shape differed in places, but the way she carried herself and the glint in her eyes was so reminiscent of Casey it shook me to my core.

“Who.. who are…?”

“Who am I?” She smiled at me like a predator smiles at cornered prey. I blinked and she was before me. Now the link was overwhelming. I felt like Casey was right in front of of me. “You know me. I'm the agony that knew you all along.”

She smiled this condescending smile, like she felt so sorry for me, and caressed my cheek with long fingernails painted the same blood red in her hair.

“We all start off as one. Then we dissociate and become two.” Her hands, clasped together, spread apart and, as they did, her voice echoed from behind me as well as before me. “Two becomes three. You know the angel and the devil, then you realize you are between.” She leaned forward and flickered out of existence. One second she was there, solid, right before me, and the next her voice was everywhere and she was nowhere. “Just like colors there are an infinite quantity of voices buried within. Do you still hold to the delusion that you are above the madness? Or do you know how powerless you are?” From behind me, the girl caressed my cheek. I couldn't move. My mind was racing trying to understand all of this. Was this Casey's Darek?

“Most people will go their lifetime under the delusion they have control. That's what I so admired about Ben. He was blind. He thought he had power. You at least have the fortune of being aware of the truth that you live against the whims of the ones who permit you form.” She seemed to melt into my body from behind me. I felt a tense chill run through my core that tensed every muscle in my body. “But I despise that quality in you.” Her voice echoed from atop the crumbled monument. She scowled from the shadows.

“Okay fine!” I finally found the courage to shout. “You despise my weakness, but you're here before me anyway! Why? Are you Veronika? You always did like Ben so much more anyway, didn't you.”

“I have many names.” She said, and the tone of her voice hushed me instantly. “Veronika is the name she gave me. Veronika was a mask she wore, a fanciful illusion she projected to convince herself she wasn't like me. You see, the sickness corroded her and dug much deeper than it did in you.” A soft chuckle. “When she existed. I would prefer to be called Lucinda.”

She appeared before me once more, arms outstretched, eyes a haunting recreation of memories flooding back, memories I thought had been stolen from me but had never truly been lost. Green. Casey's eyes were green. “And yes, I did like Ben better, as one prefers their pet to a wild animal who is unpredictable.” She watched me now with a blank gaze that belied nothing.

“So, where was I?” As she moved forward her body seemed to flicker and distort momentarily as if lagging before my eyes. “Ah, yes, the patterns. Just like how you have Anna and Gwen and Alice, she had myself, Veronika, and Alyson. Alyson was like Alice. She was the pure one, but she stopped existing after a period and I became the dominant one.” She watched my expression as I absorbed all this. Her face was curious, playful even, but it had me on edge. One of her arms was crossed over her chest. The other elbow rested on that arm and extended to where she stroked her chin pensively. “You notice how I didn't mention Darek? Are you starting to understand that he is not your creation? In fact, you could say that he created you.” I gulped and nodded. That didn't make sense to me, truly. He was a voice inside my head! How could he have created me? But perhaps it was a matter of perspective, and, regardless, I needed to hear more.

“What you are doing has never been a question for you. You live at the whims of the world around you, victim of everything and master of nothing. So do not bore me with such questions as what do I want with you.” She stepped back and flickered to the base of the tower. Her voice echoed farther as the speech continued. “This place is old, older than myself, older than Anna, older even than your Alice. This is the lake, and this is Zanark's domain. You remember the poem you discovered?” It had been a while since I had read entry 20, but its unique format stood out still in my mind.

“It was written by my hand in a different lifetime. The four guardians of the heart against darkness, represented by four towers, well... you see one before you.” Her laughter echoed all around me as she faded from sight. The laugh had a hollow sorrowful quality to it. “It's interesting; the names and faces change but the underlying pattern repeats. You and Ali and Ben and Casey were part of the unity of four. And the one to play the role of Alice is, ironically enough, myself.” From the swirling mist she appeared, sitting hunched over and apparently in misery. “The one who longed for death found that it was not all she ever wanted.” She looked up at me over her shoulder with eyes full of sadness, but then flashed me a wicked smile before fading back into the fog.

“The tower of love has fallen. My domicile crumbles under the weight of the damage done by Chameleon.”

“But you said this is Zanark's domain.” I said. “Is he here? How did Chameleon get in to do this?” 

“Oh no, Zanark is not present in this location. He IS this location. It's a part of his soul which manifests here on this plane.” Lucinda appeared beside me staring up at the tower. “He and Chameleon battle on levels that we can not comprehend. Though they do not exist in ways we can perceive, their effects on our world are all too visible. Just know that they are a small piece of a greater war waged where eyes can not see. And you are just a piece of that piece, a fraction of a fraction. How does that make you feel?”

 I had other things on my mind. This information was pertinent and I was holding it close to me but I could not process it quickly enough to fully grasp it in that moment. There was another matter that weighed on me heavily and I needed to express it while I could. “Enough of that.” I said rather urgently. “You’re the manifestation of Casey West's subconscious. You know her better than anyone. I know you despise me, but... Please. Tell me. How did she really feel about me?” I looked to her with sincere and heartfelt desperation. This was my last chance to find out the truth and I needed an answer badly.

Lucinda smiled a sagely smile as if she knew I would ask and had in a million different encounters. A vision danced into my head of myself asking her to reveal this info and her gleefully refusing me my request. This was the essence of our relationship. This time however, she would answer me. “How did Casey West really feel about me.” “She loved you.” A warmth spread through my body at those words, but her sly smile stole it from me. “She loved all of you, though. You had so much in common as you shared this mutual sickness. Her feelings never stretched beyond… friendly compassion. And pity.” A dissonant vibration in my selfish heart stung my chest, but I accepted that response stoically. “For you or anyone else.” Poor Ben, I guess. Actually, poor Jake.

“Why do you care so deeply though?” The tips of her finger traced down my chest as she stood before me biting her lower lip seductively. “Little boy, you knew the chaos that existed beneath her skin yet you walk willingly into my web. Why does her opinion of you matter so much?”

“I don't know.” I confessed.

She smiled and laughed gleefully. “And that is the most honest thing you've said to me thus far!” She leaned in to kiss my lips. I recoiled in my confusion but her body again melted into mine and chilled me to the core. I stared around to find her again but she was nowhere.

“I know that I would do it again and again.” I called out to the misty expanse. “It is who I am.”

 “I remember.” Her voice echoed from the left of me. I turned and she seemed to be starting off into the sky with a blank expression. “I remember how to not forget. In the little pockets of preservation I become the manifest past and can influence the present to move it toward the future. We are an incarnation of history, living data, and our very existence invites the corruption that we seek to destroy. Remember that we are not the disease; we simply carry it.” That phrase triggered a memory, something that stuck out in one of Ben's videos, but before I could open my mouth to speak she continued talking and cut me off.

“Your reprieve ends, poor little lost boy.” Her voice echoed from somewhere far above everything. It was strange, seeing her staring up at the sky slack-jawed like a puppet while her voice boomed down upon her. “Go back to your own world. But before that I will grant you this. She did see one special trait in you that holds true. You speak with wisdom and you speak in truth, understanding things most others overlook. This gift is the reason your written communication bears fruit. Never forget this unique talent you possess.”

The fog thickened at an alarming intensity. I felt that claustrophobic terror that had accompanied the Dark Cloud and I gasped for breath, finding nothing. My vision became entirely obscured by the wispy nothingness. I couldn't breathe. I clawed at my face but found myself moving through molasses. I was dying. This was the end of me.

Then the fog faded into the corner of my eyes. I screamed and gasped and choked, falling to my knees. I was back in the woods. The sky was cloudy but the dark cloud was nowhere to be seen. Neither was the lake.

“Welcome back.”

I looked up and saw a figure step out from between the trees. I didn't recognize the voice but I recognized the earthy green dress, deep blue hair, and angelic wings folded at her back. This was Gwen, Alice's sister.

“Where have you been?”

 She had some explaining to do.