06/28/19
Something happened. Something big happened.
I was just tossing a backpack together. I'm going to be homeless and I am not even resisting this because I have no control over this life I live. I never have. I am just a vessel for something else, perpetual victim of whatever war Zanark and Chameleon are fighting. Despite my best efforts I have not once had an impact on this hellish series of events. I just watch them over and over and over and I can do nothing right.
So I heard the doorbell ring. Gave me chills, didn't get why at the time. I open the door and I see this. This is a sketchbook I saw once before in the possession of Jake Ramsay. His DeviantArt doesn't exist anymore but he featured these images on there. Now, MUCH worse for wear, it finds itself in my possession.
I will be posting the pictures of it on the imgur I established recently. I will also be carrying the sketchbook with me and trying to understand it's secrets the best I can. As I will be struggling to survive I will likely update this blog infrequently, but Twitter should be easy enough to update with free WiFi and a phone charger. Just bear with me. I'll be busy.
This is my analysis of the sketchbook. There are parts I still don't understand, like the "package" and 10-31-15. And there's one part that I wanted to think about before I spoke up. Jake drew Anna and Kendra on either side of me in his sketchbook. Anna was in tears with a water motif and Kendra was laughing so hard she was crying with a fire background.
There is no way I told him about them because, up until I passed between iterations and met her, I had no idea what Kendra's physical appearance was. This implies that Jake had encountered them, or Madrik had led Jake to them, in some manner. It implies there is connective tissue between our world's, which has been a recurring theme. It is the same way Chameleon moves between Figments when he possesses them. If I could access them, maybe find Kendra, maybe help Ben, even. But I haven't seen the door since I got out of that dark realm and watched Gwen die. Something to note.
In other news the job I was supposed to get kind of screwed me over. The situation was the same; the help wanted sign was outside the store. I got a little impatient when I got no call after applying and Friday rolled around. They finally told me when I called back on Saturday that the sign was just to gather applications in case somebody quit and they actually had all positions filled currently. They said qualified candidates with experience were typically considered but I wasn't what they were looking for. YOU'RE A GAS STATION CORNER STORE! YOU AREN'T THAT EXCLUSIVE!! I honestly got so irritated by the situation that I forgot the deeper implications of it.
There have been differences between this iteration of reality and the last one. Not all of them had any relation to myself. Ben quit drinking and smoking. He's got a car. He's doing well for himself. This is a result of Mammoth dying early into the story. He's never said it before but I think Mammoth had a severe negative impact on his battle with substances over the years. He is also on good terms with his parents. That makes sense too. I remember him getting kicked out of his parents house due to mounting drama centered around none other than Casey West and her boyfriend Jake. Their exclusion from Ben's life likely means that Ben was at least able to keep living at home long enough to get on his feet properly. He's still being tortured by Chameleon in ways but I think he's also at an advantage when it comes to coping mechanisms.
As for me, I have created some if not all of my own misfortunes during this second draft. Ali vanishing like that though... no warnings, no climactic events at the end of a countdown, just life as normal minus one girl, that was not of my doing in any form and it has bearings on my life now. She was the one who protected me when I was cast out to the wolves by Darek. She came to my rescue countless times that I don't remember and now she is gone. Nobody is here to save me from homelessness. Nobody can guard me from my own deepening addictions.
I don't even know if I want to get into this next part, but...transparency is a blessing so let me not hesitate. I met up with someone recently. He was hanging out with Ali's weed guy who I guess is now my weed guy. I guess I looked miserable and he wanted to get my mind off my troubles. Didn't ask me too much about my situation, just brought me back to his apartment, offered me some cocaine, and the rest is history. I had never tried coke before, but it felt like home. Everything felt...right. it was amazing. There's a voice inside that could be Darek or Chameleon or ADDICT telling me to just get money, get lots of cash any way possible, and snort cocaine until I am dead. It doesn't matter anyway, the voice says. You'll come back. You might even forget. You should definitely consider how much fun you could have if you just forget about false concepts like family and morality. It is all fake. Every moment of your life has been a lie. Solipsism is law for you, Mathew Monaco. You think therefore you are. You are therefore you deserve. And if you deserve something...take it. There's no reason to keep obeying the little voice inside telling you to care. Let go. Let your emotions out and let me in. I'll nestle into the empty space all your rage and all your fear took up. We will become one. We will be together forever. I'll see you soon. You'll see it all when you realize what he has done. What we have done. See you all real soon.
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